Admiral James T. Kirk, Commandant, Command Academy, was doing a block count. Stretching out behind and before him was the spreading empire of the Science Officer General of Star Fleet, a large number of diverse buildings known collectively as the Science Office Headquarters Laboratories. The acronym for these was 'SOHQ', pronounced by one and all as 'sock-you'. On rare occasions, Kirk had entered the section which housed offices and Briefing Rooms, but the nature of the rest was a mystery to him. However, he was now going to see something of one small part.
He and Spock, now a Captain and Tutor at Command Academy, played chess regularly one evening a week in his, Kirk's, apartment. This week he'd had to cry off because Commander, Star Fleet, had asked him to a meeting to discuss Combined Training Cruises and he'd been fairly sure he wouldn't be free until well after the time Spock usually arrived for chess. Spock, whether he liked to admit it or not, was perceptive and, Kirk realised, had seen that his Admiral was none too happy about this particular meeting.
"I shall go to SOHQ," he'd said, "to do some work on the collaborative project I am involved with there. Call me when you are through and I will come for a game then."
Jim Kirk, grinning, knew his friend didn't expect to play much chess, but was giving him the chance to blow off steam on the subject of Combined Training Cruises! It'd struck him that a walk to clear his head might be just what he needed between times, so he'd told Spock, "I pass SOHQ on rny way home. I'll call in and collect you and we'll walk the rest of the way together, O.K.?" Spock had assumed what Bones McCoy called his 'leprechaun look' before replying, thus convincing Kirk that he definitely didn't expect to play chess.
"Do not use the Main Entrance." Spock had said, "It is a very long way from Robotics where I shall be." He had then given a set of directions.
Knowing the sheer size of the Science Officer General's domain, the Admiral could see Spock's point and had memorised the suggested route. He was now following it and was glad of the walk!
It was all very well for Morrow and the Sector Chiefs who did not want to "waste" experienced personnel on a Training Ship, but their plan did not appeal to James T. Kirk one bit! In the past, competent officers who had entered the Fleet as Ensigns, training 'on the job', like Sulu and Chekov, on being sent to Academy for short Conversion Courses leading to Ship Command, were kept quite separate from the young Cadets. These, like Kirk himself as a youth, had been accepted from University as potential Captains and were expected, on graduating from Academy, to become Lieutenants well on their way up the promotion ladder. Now the Commanding Admiral not only wanted to combine both types of student on the same Training Cruises, he also aimed to man the Ship with Engineering Cadets, kids from Communications School, Science Cadets... even the Mechanics, Technicians and general crew would be new-intake personnel! Sickbay would have young doctors and nurses from Base Hospital who, otherwise, might never serve on a Ship.
This galaxy of assorted trainees, since they took up room, would severely limit the number of qualified people aboard. In fact it would be the instructors and their pupils and no one else! This frankly scared Jim Kirk. No way did he want to go into space with a crew of inexperienced kids! Sure, the Conversion Course people were O.K., but, as he had pointed out at the meeting, there weren't that many of those. His protests, however, were answered with the reassurance that 'nothing much can go wrong on a simple Training Cruise'. James T. Kirk preferred to be ready to face any eventuality, but he had a nasty feeling he was going to lose this argument. Walking was, at least, clearing his head, but he knew he'd regale poor Spock with all his doubts when they met and guessed that a bit of calm Vulcan logic directed on the whole subject might not come amiss.
At this point in his reverie, he reached the building Spock had told him to enter, so he took a right turn, located the stone steps leading to the side entrance, which he'd been advised to use, and started up them.
Then he stopped, frowning. The door to which the steps led was in need of a repaint and contained an ID slot. Clearly it was entirely computer controlled and it occurred to Kirk that, whereas it was certainly programmed to let Spock in, unless his friend had thought to tell it he was coming, it might well swallow his ID and refuse to open. If this happened, he would, of course, get the card back eventually, but being without it for any length of time didn't appeal. Moreover, he'd still be out here and have to find another way of reaching Spock, with no proof of identity!
As he stood there wondering, a young man hurtled past him, pushed open the door and disappeared inside. Kirk stared.
Not only was it obvious that the ID-lock wasn't working, that anyone could get in, but the young man had been wearing a yellow T-shirt, so was clearly a civilian! Was this part of SOHQ? Had he mistaken the block count? Deciding he could at least look, he continued up the steps and pushed open the door.
Inside, bearing the Fleet Insignia, was one of the most modern ID checking devices available. This was certainly a Star Fleet Installation! The device, however, was quite dead and on it was scrawled in large blue letters,
'BUGGED AGAIN BABY!'
Admiral Kirk found this so amazing that he simply stood and stared at it for some time.
This was part of the Science Branch! If any section of the Fleet could maintain a computer, this was it! He presumed the checker to have become faulty only a short time ago, but whoever had defaced Star Fleet property would surely be in big trouble, if caught, and why was no one working on the thing? Also, who had that civilian been? Should he report the unauthorised entry? If so, who to?
Kirk gave up his contemplation of the ID-reader and looked at his surroundings. A corridor stretched ahead, doors either side, a push-door at the end. This fitted Spock's description, and Spock might be the best person to tell about the situation at the door. His directions were to go through the push-door and turn left, so he set off.
"Gangway!" yelled a voice as a door on the right flung open and a young man emerged carrying two large wire baskets of what looked to Kirk's untutored eye like bottled blood. "Mind your back!" added this individual, just missing the Admiral with one basket, "Sorry!" He then disappeared through a door on the left.
James T. Kirk stood riveted to the deck...
Firstly, no one addressed an Admiral like that, and secondly, that had been another civilian! He had been wearing a red shirt inscribed,
'Surfers do it standing up!' in bright green letters.
Kirk nearly followed the man to demand an explanation, but was diverted by the sudden opening of the push-door. Through this came a hover-trolley loaded with plastiware and followed by a very small girl whose control over the vehicle was minimal. Although not tall and generally of slender build, the girl was particularly well endowed in one, or rather two areas. Unfortunately for the Admiral's equanimity, these regions were marked, on her white T-shirt, with bull's eye targets. Under these markings were the words,
'I bet you'd like to practice on THIS pair!'
She gave Kirk a sunny smile and passed him. He was so shattered, he could not say a word. When, finally, he turned, she was just disappearing, with trolley, through a door on the right.
Beginning to feel like the sufferer of a nightmare of gigantic proportions, the Admiral gingerly pushed his way through the door and found his left turn. At that moment he realised that all further directions had evaporated from his mind.
Just as this occurred to him, a young man rushed by wearing a black shirt inscribed in yellow,
'SOCK it to them SQUIDS'
The complete incomprehensibility of that made Kirk sure he was dreaming.
A door to the right opened and a tall, elegant and very beautiful girl emerged. She wore a green shirt bearing the words,
'DON'T TOUCH THE MERCHANDISE - IT BITES!' On her two best features were pictured snapping teeth.
"Are you lost?" she asked, looking at him kindly.
For one frozen second he could not find his voice, then he managed, "Spock... Captain Spock... I'm meeting..."
"Oh!" with a glorious smile which lit her dusky face and made her eyes shine, the girl snapped to attention, an operation which thrust forth her best features and made the teeth seem to snap more fiercely. The effect of this upon the Admiral was not one he usually associated with seeing someone stand to attention. He suspected he was about to gibber!
"He'll be in Computing." said the girl.
"Robotics." James T. Kirk somehow managed to say, his voice hoarse.
"Straight on, take the elevator to five, straight out and you can't miss it!" she said, "And tell him the Squids'll wipe the Wapchicks clean off the map!"
With which incomprehensible remark she gave another stunning smile, saluted and went.
Something about her salute hinted to Kirk's dazed mind that she was a Star Fleet officer. In... in that shirt?
He set off along the corridor wishing he could wake up. He met three more 'SOCK it to them SQUIDS' wearers and began to see a certain light. A ball game seemed the only explanation, but Squids? The appearance of two girls in green shirts labelled,
'WHOP'EM WAPCHICKS!'
in orange, seemed to confirm his idea, although what a 'wapchick' was, he hadn't a clue and, if he was right, Spock t of all people, apparently took a deep interest in the fortunes of the... the Wapchicks!
After he'd been passed by a young man in a red shirt with white letters reading,
'Sorry Babe, I'm one for the guys!'
the Admiral's equilibrium was further disrupted by the appearance of one of the best stacked girls he'd seen in years attired in a very brief shirt which just about covered the essentials, inscribed,
'Not while I'm on duty, see me later!'
He resisted the temptation to take her up on this and stared open mouthed at a guy wearing,
'I like it all ways'
He looked around as this one passed and stared again. On the back of the shirt was written,
'Not THIS way!'
By now the bewildered Admiral had realised that these people were wearing what looked like uniform from the waist down. How he managed to reach the elevator without sitting in a corner somewhere and gibbering quietly to himself, he wasn't sure!
The elevator doors were covered with graffiti around a large notice reading,
'Stop writing on these doors.' One inscription read,
'I hate elevators that like braid!' Another,
'TUO EM TEL'
at which he did a double-take before realising what it meant. He pressed the call button and waited. After a while he began to wonder if the elevator, like the ID-reader, was out of order. According to it's indicator lights it was moving, but only between floors seven and fourteen. He could see how come people had time to write on the doors, and then noticed,
"Only been here six days, but Lord am I hungry!' At that moment an amazingly dirty looking young man arrived. He wore what, under layers of grime, might once have been an old issue blue Science Section tunic. Now it was quite filthy and full of holes, besides having had both sleeves and the collar ripped off. This individual, whose hair was long and lank and of such nondescript colour that Kirk suspected he was seeing grime rather than its natural hue, hit the elevator call button and said,
"Lucky for you I want to go up. This thing recognises palm prints. You'd've been here for ever!"
Before Kirk could speak, the elevator arrived. It was full. "Come on!" yelled the disreputable man, forcing his way in. The Admiral, speechless, followed and found himself jammed against the dirty tunic. His nose confirmed what he had suspected, that its wearer was in need of a great deal of hot soapy water.
"Who are you looking for?" asked this unwashed being.
"Spock." he managed to answer.
"O.K., I'll help you." said the other as the doors, having had some difficulty due to excess people, finally managed to close, "It's voice coded too!" Then, he announced, loudly and distinctly,
"Three. Five."
"Jesus, Stew," yelled someone from the back, "I want four!" You might..."
"When you're a Captain, you can go where you want!" snapped 'Filthy", causing James T. Kirk to come close to fainting.
The elevator stopped at three and the malodorous young man made a leisurely exit saying, "Tell Spock that Stew sends his best."
The doors closed again. They rose straight past the fourth floor and stopped at five. As Kirk got out he was, in a vague, unbelieving way, thinking, 'He was a Captain!' For a moment the Admiral leaned on a bulkhead for support. 'They're officers!' he realised, 'Science officers! And Spock... they all know him... and he does projects here with these crazy...!'
Swallowing, he regained some strength and set off along the corridor he now faced. On the left-hand side this was bounded entirely by windows giving a view of another block, connected to this one by a transit tube from someplace far higher up. To the right was a row of doors. James T. Kirk was not happy with 'you can't miss it' as a direction. He strongly suspected he could. He therefore decided to check each door as he came to it. The first bore a notice,
'Mel lives here! Go away! (unless you bring gifts or are one!)'
The Admiral squinted at this for some time before allowing himself to believe it was real. Eventually he accepted the fact and continued, in a disorientated condition, along the corridor.
'KEEP OUT' he saw next, in bright red letters,
'This means YOU!'
The door after that was decorated with a picture of a very delectable female, stark naked. Next, Kirk came to a roughly scrawled note,
'Gone fishin'' The following door was labelled,
'SEX SHOP',
and under this,
'CASH ON THE NAIL.' A large nail had been inserted next to the notice.
The next door bore a picture of a naked guy. Kirk was so amazed at this that he stood looking at it until jerked back to awareness by the appearance, from the far end of the corridor, of a slim girl in a white shirt marked, 'Don't ask me, I'm new around here!' The bemused Admiral set off again, seeing doors marked,
'Genius at work'
with 'lies' scrawled across it.
'Go .... yourself'
'Come back later'
and, simply,
'GONE HOME'
There were four more nudes, two of each sex. Eventually he reached a dead end where the corridor turned sharp right. Here he was faced with a single, very large door covered with posters and graffiti. The largest poster read,
'WHOP'EM WAPCHICKS!'
Above the door itself a large notice proclaimed, 'Abandon hope all ye who enter here!' Another poster stated,
'This is your entry point to REAL science!' Someone had scrawled,
'WAPCHICKS and WOTSITS Inc. You want it, we make it - for CASH!' in large letters on the paintwork. Beside this was written,
'I like mice!' with 'like' crossed out and 'hate' written in.
A poster warned,
'BEWARE of the MOUSE!'
Finally, Kirk saw an official Fleet door marker, the only thing with small enough print to cause him to squint. It said,
'ROBOTICS, Artificial Intelligence, Computing' Someone had arrowed 'artificial' and written,
'It's the only kind they have folks!"
The Admiral swallowed. He appeared to have reached his destination and it seemed just as mad as the rest of this place! He pulled open the door and moved forward.
Ahead was the back of a large piece of equipment which was jammed against another on the left. The only way through was to the right where, although yet more equipment stood, a narrow but navigable gap had been left. Through the gap there suddenly appeared a diminutive metal object which rushed at him with an ear-piercing squeak. It hit his right boot and seemed about to try to climb his leg. The squeaking stopped.
A word Kirk did not usually hear in Fleet installations was shouted, basso-profundo, from his right.
"Thank God for that!' yelled another voice, a tenor, "I hope it gets in the elevator!"
From between the equipment came a very tall, very well built guy with a thatch of tangled black hair and a prolific beard. He wore a black T-shirt on which a huge, fierce mouse was pictured in white. Below this was inscribed,
'MIGHTY MOUSE'
"Oh Jesus, thank you!" he rumbled, proving himself the bass, not the tenor, "You stopped him!" He grabbed the tiny object, which at once began to squeak again.
"Oh NO!" came a cry from the other one, "Whoever that is, I'll kill you! "
"Are you Spock's Buddy?" asked Mighty Mouse in gentle conversational tones.
The Admiral could only nod wordlessly. He had never been so described before, but was now past surprise.
"He's expecting you. Right this way!" said the giant, putting down the little robot, which shot back from whence he and it had come.
"Hip!" yelled the tenor, "Get this damned mouse out of here!"
Kirk and his guide entered an area bounded on three sides by equipment, all of which seemed to have lights flashing. On a tall stool in the centre sat a tiny guy, the tenor. He wore a yellow shirt bearing a skull and crossbones in black and the legend,
'DEATH to MICE!'
"Hip, I'll kill you!" he yelled addressing Mighty Mouse. He was about half as tall and lacked any obvious muscle, yet the big guy looked quite crestfallen.
"Sorry." he said, catching the squeaking robot which was rushing round and round the little one's stool. He did something to it and the squeaking ceased.
"You stopped it escaping!" the little guy snarled, baring his teeth accusingly at James T. Kirk, who found out he was not, after all, beyond surprise.
"He's Spock's Buddy." said MightyMouse.
"Oh, in that case, pax!" said the little one with a charming smile, "I expect it was a mistake. Spock's through there and round to the left."
"Er... thank you." Kirk managed to articulate and, glad to escape, maneuvered his way between the banks of electronics. He found a junction and turned left. Faced with yet more equipment he rather desperately called, "Spock?"
"Through here Jim." came a somewhat muffled reply, "Straight on and turn left."
Since, from his present location, these directions were impossible to follow, Kirk tried the only way open, actually a right turn. This did bring him to a left turn, which he took. He found himself in another space surrounded by gadgetry. This contained a console, apparently switched off, and an empty stool. From beneath the console stretched two pairs of legs in regular uniform pants.
"Spock?" he asked again.
"One moment." Spock replied from the deck.
James T.Kirk waited.
Suddenly one pair of legs moved and, from under the console, came their owner, an absolute dazzler of a girl with cascades of wildly untidy red curls. She wore a green shirt, said, "Just a second, he's under here with me." grabbed some kind of connector and dived back.
Kirk choked. If any other male officer had been under there with that girl... but not Spock! What was clear, however, was that where Spock worked was just as crazy as the rest of SOHQ!
"Sorry Jim," said Spock himself, emerging, "we blew a line." To the Admiral's relief, he was dressed just as usual in ordinary uniform.
"It was probably that damned mouse." cried the girl, also coming out from under, "But I guess that should've fixed it."
Spock, now on his feet, gave the girl a hand up. She was revealed as having, if anything, an even better figure than Kirk had thought. Her shirt, he noticed, besides being rather grimy from its contact with the deck, was inscribed in black with the words,
'ADULTS ONLY'
"Do you mind waiting a second while we test it?" she asked, "Fancy a coffee?"
"Er. . "
"Oh, Jim," Spock said, "this is Joss." Then he frowned slightly and added, "I think I should have said that in the reverse order, Commander Josslyn Hammond, Admiral Jarnes T. Kirk, Joss, this is Jim."
"Put it there Jim," Joss grinned, holding out a grubby hand, "Any friend of Spock's is welcome around here!"
The confused Admiral shook her hand and muttered,
"Er... thank you."
"Would you like a coffee?' she asked, "We make it ourselves so it isn't SOHQ bilge."
"Thanks." Kirk managed.
She undulated away through a gap in the ranks of electronics.
"Admiral, are you feeling quite well?" asked Spock, observing his superior officer with a raised eyebrow.
"This... this place" Kirk stuttered, "The people.' Nobody in uniform... !"
"They do wear uniform." Spock assured him, "Only the shirts are..."
"It's the shirts you notice!" exclaimed the overwrought Admiral.
"Sit down Jim.' Spock suggested.
Not sure his legs would support him much longer, Kirk was glad to oblige and sank on to the stool.
"Have you never been here before?" asked Spock innocently.
At this stage his harassed friend remembered the leprechaun look Spock had assumed when giving him directions and, rather suspiciously, said, "I've been to visit the Science Officer General..."
"Oh yes, it is different around the front offices," Spock said, "very formal."
Giving in to the situation, his Admiral admitted, "I couldn't believe I was on Fleet premises, and... what are Squids and Wapchicks?"
"A squid is a marine animal, a little like an octopus..."
"I know that!"
"A Wapchick is a very small, mono-purpose robot, in effect, a mobile Wotsit, which is a small piece of electronic equipment, a simple circuit with one chip. I suspect, however, you mean the team names. There is a ball game.."
"A girl I met told me to tell you the Squids would... would knack the Wapchicks off the map!"
"In the final of something called a 'series', Jim, Marine Biology, the Squids, are playing Artificial Intelligence, the Wapchicks. That is why there are so few people about at the moment. Joss and I were delayed. She does intend to go, but I do not follow these games. The message, I think, was a little joke."
"A guy," Kirk told him, "in a filthy old-style uniform tunic without sleeves asked to be remembered to you. He, I think, was a Captain!"
"That was Stew Bibberling, very good in his field, but a little eccentric."
"A little...!" for a moment the Admiral was beyond speech, then he managed to gasp, "This whole building is crazy!"
"The biologists, particularly," Spock said, "do not really have what one might call the Fleet mentality. They do realise that their equipment is paid for by the Fleet, but..."
"I kept thinking I'd wake up!" Kirk muttered, "One girl had targets on her...!"
"Ness Mannaru, a little girl from the warm-blooded section of Marine Fauna, a Lieutenant."
Jim Kirk gave in and broke up with laughter.
Joss reappeared carrying a tray improvised from part of a packing case. On this were three mugs. She held one out to the Admiral. It was labelled, in large black letters,
'ARSENIC'
For a frozen second, James T. Kirk just stared at it.
"Oh, it's O.K.!" Joss grinned, "We're right out of arsenic, that's coffee. It's Ev's mug. I borrowed it for you. You can have mine if you like, or Spock's."
Kirk saw that, of the other two mugs, one, in white on red, was marked,
'I like it HOT'
while the other, on a white ground, announced itself in the appropriate colour as, 'GREEN FIRE'. Wordlessly, he took 'ARSENIC' while wondering if Spock had chosen his, or if these people had bought it for him. 'Green Fire' was a liqueur, but the implication...!
As he mulled over this, the other two began to activate the console.
Squeaking, the little robot appeared, nearly causing Kirk to drop his coffee just as he'd discovered it was very good indeed.
"Hip!" called Spock loudly, "Get your mouse away from here!"
Mighty Mouse, carrying a mug marked, 'Mice are better at Mazes' arrived and caught the robot. He turned it off, saying, "Sorry Spock, I was only testing it."
"It interferes with everything!" cried Joss, "Keep it at home for God's sake!"
"The neighbours complain about their vid."
Joss put down her coffee and advanced on him. He turned and fled with her in hot pursuit calling imprecations and threatening murder.
"It is his hobby, Jim." Spock explained, "A mouse is a small robot, internally programmed to find its way through a maze. The specifications are very exact. He is not allowed to use any sophisticated modern components. The little thing is really quite cleverly made, but it does interfere unfortunately... ah, Joss," he interrupted himself as she returned, panting.
"He won't come back here with it!" she said, "You're too soft with him! The neighbour's vid, I ask you! Now, let's see..." She noticed that the Admiral was politely rising to offer her the stool and said, "No, that's O.K., Jim, thanks. I like to work standing up. You park your ass there while you're waiting."
He had never been invited to sit down in quite those terms before by a Junior Officer of either sex, but he sat. Then, with a certain fascination, he watched the work at the console. He was used to expertise from Spock, but, seeing the girl's equal facility, he suddenly began to appreciate her. In fact, he realised that all these mad people were a lot brighter than he was, with lists of qualifications. They were famous in their own fields, respected scientists, who, in their turn, respected Spock as a scientist. Kirk realised that his friend had first started doing project work here as a young Cadet. No doubt, then, to the kid straight from Vulcan, they had seemed no madder than the rest of humanity, and now Spock was used to them. Oh, sure, he'd worn his leprechaun look guessing that exposure to them, with no warning, would shake his Admiral out of the mood induced by the meeting with Morrow, but Kirk was sure his friend had no notion just how shattering he'd found the experience!
Sipping his coffee, he tried to imagine working in this place. He couldn't. He strongly suspected he'd go mad in a week, if not less!
"That's it!" cried Joss, "Thank you Spock! Oh... do you mind...?"
"Not at all. Go to the game. I will shut down."
"Thanks a million! You're a doll!" she cried and gave Spock a quick kiss on the nearest cheek. Then she waved airily to the open-mouthed Admiral, said, "See you around, Jirn." and departed.
"We are not in a hurry, are we?" Spock asked, calmly flicking switches, oblivious to the fact that James T. Kirk was still getting over the sight of him being kissed by a raving beauty, and continued, "Joss was late for the game,You do not mind waiting a moment while I shut this down?"
Kirk finally managed to say, "No." After a little longer to collect his wits, he asked, "That girl's bright?"
"Clever? Oh, yes. Second in her field, or third. Hip is approximately as good."
"Hip?" Kirk stared, "The mouse one?"
"Yes."
"And the best?"
"Ay-ling. You have not met him. He is at the game. He is the Head of Department, an Andorian."
"Does he wear uniform?"
"They all..."
"I mean, does he wear full uniform?"
"Sometimes." Spock said, "Usually he wears the same sort of shirt that Joss does. He has one marked, 'You make my antennae buzz', and.."
"Don't tell me!" Jim grinned, knowing Spock had planned to divert his thoughts from that meeting! Well, his friend had sure succeeded! "The Science Officer General wears full uniform." he pointed out.
"He has to." Spock said, "He has a front office. But astro-physicists tend to, I have noticed. It is mainly biologists who wear the colourful shirts. This lab is next to Biology so..."
"The habit spreads?"
"Perhaps it is that. I like it. I like colour. I regretted the change of uniform."
"You don't wear T-shirts with... with messages on them!"
"Not usually, no."
"Spock?"
"I do have some, presents from various people. Joss gave me one to match my mug and I have one marked 'Fascinating!' which Lausanna in Medical Physics gave me. Clearly they would not be suitable wear for Command Academy. I keep them for SOHQ parties. "
Glad that he was sitting down, James T. Kirk managed not to choke on his coffee. He realised Spock saw the shirts as a sort of local uniform and could dress as described without being in the least embarrassed.
"There." Spock straightened up, "That is finished. Shall we go?", then taking Jim's empty cup, "If we leave these here, Sasha will see to them tomorrow. He is the Lab Aid."
Mighty Mouse and friend seemed to have left. When they reached the corridor, Kirk asked, "Who works in these rooms?"
"They are offices where people compile papers, think, have visitors..."
"Yes, but what people?"
"This is part of Molecular Biology. The offices are assigned to Commanders and up."
Remembering 'Sex Shop' and the nudes, the Admiral nearly broke up again.
At the elevator, Spock pressed the call button and said, "Oh, I am sorry, Sir. Did you have to wait very long to come up? It is, of course, not coded for you."
"Don't call me 'Sir'," his friend insisted, hastily, "I don't like it at all when we're off duty, and here it's definitely out of place! Your friend... er... Stew rescued me from the elevator."
From behind them, shrieking and running at full speed came three girls. They wore green tunics bearing the legend,
'WAPCHICKS RULE'
and diminutive orange skirts. Each carried two large pompons, one of each of the team's colours.
"Oh Spock!" cried the first arrival, a leggy girl with very black skin, "Thanks be!"
"We're late!" wailed the next, a chocolate brown maid with long and lustrous dark hair, "We have to get to fourteen to cross to X-block."
"You will elevate us, won't you?" cooed the remaining member of the party.
All three girls had excellent figures and, to Jim Kirk's discomfort, the last to reach them was a Deltan.
The elevator arrived, packed with people.
The Deltan advanced, causing all male occupants to squash together to let her in. The other girls cried,
"Come on, push!"
Kirk found himself inside, with the doors shut. He was pressed closely against the Deltan girl. He choked and fought desperately for control.
"Fourteen." said Spock loudly.
"You're a honey!" cried the black girl, who was sandwiched between him and the perspiring Admiral.
"He's coming to the game." someone said.
"No, I am not." Spock assured him, "I would not understand it if I did."
"We'd explain!" said the brown-skinned cheer-leader.
"Don't be crazy!" yelled a voice from the back, "All you understand is waving pompons!"
The elevator jerked to a stop and Kirk found himself outside it, pushed there by a wave of Squid and Wapchick fans. Eventually, he got back in, with Spock and five or six others.
"Floors?" asked Spock.
"Three!"
"Four."
"Eleven."
"Nine!"
"First."
"Eleven," said Spock clearly, "Nine, Four, Three, One."
"Oh, gee, thanks!" said the small girl who had asked for eleven, "I've passed it six times!"
"It is a very foolish system." Spock said.
Apart from a diversion back to fourteen for someone who entered at eleven, they journeyed down to the entry floor uneventfully. Other than Spock, Kirk still had not seen a single person in full Fleet Uniform, However, by the time they left the elevator he had managed to regain the equilibrium lost during intimate contact with the Deltan girl.
They met only one person on the way out, a tall, rangy, brown haired, pale skinned guy wearing, 'Come and get it, Babe!' in white on red, who called, as soon as he saw them, "Hi Spock!"
"Hello Lewis." Spock said, stopping to talk, "Did you get that clone to grow?"
"Finally." grinned the other, "Who...?"
"Oh, my apologies. This is Jim Kirk. Jim, this is Lewis Jones, Cellular Genetics."
"Put it there!" Lewis smiled, holding out his hand, "Any friend of... oh, you're the Commandant of Command Academy?"
"Er... yes." said Jim, shaking the hand.
"Spock says he enjoys teaching those kids, but I couldn't stick it!"
"I do find it most rewarding." Spock said, "As does Jim, I am sure. There is variety, Lewis. You and your post-grads do much the same kind of work, year after year..."
"But Spock, your paper with McCoy on the cells of the Denevan plague creatures was a classic!"
"If something is of interest, I study it." Spock said, "But I would not like to be obliged to do nothing but cell biology, or astrophysics, for that matter."
"How you can get along with all that math beats me!" grinned Lewis, "Which reminds me, thanks for those equations. Our data fits them like a glove!"
"Lewis, it is the equations which fit the data." Spock pointed out, as a device on the biologist's belt began to beep.
"Time pulse due! Must rush!" he cried and departed at speed, calling over his shoulder, "See you! See you around, Jim!"
"No wonder your name worked like a charm around here," muttered Kirk, impressed by his friend, "My tabs were no use! What rank is that one?"
"Commodore."
Jim felt himself sway.
"He is in charge of Cell Biology." Spock added.
"And the only difference is that he outranks you in the elevator!"
"I am sure he would name my floor for me," Spock said, "Rank does not mean much here."
"I noticed!" Kirk cried from the heart. He followed Spock to the entry door and gestured to the defaced ID-reader. "Spock, this is Science! How come that thing doesn't work and..."
"Oh, biologists do not like ID-checkers. It never works. Sometimes the Maintenance Section send someone to mend it and clean off the notice, but then Biology calls Robotics and Joss or one of the others comes down and... er... un-fixes it again and rewrites the notice. It is much quicker like this."
"But anyone could come in!"
"Yes."
"But..."
"Why not?"
"Thinking about it," Jim said, "they'd take one look and decide they'd come into the section that did research on the treatment of the insane and run right out again!"
Spock raised his eyebrows, giving his Admiral his most quizzical glance. "Everyone is really quite rational," he said, "As rational as one can expect from non-Vulcanian sapients."
"You may've had time to see their rational side." Jim grinned, "To me, they all seemed equally mad!"
As he left through that door, James T. Kirk nearly bumped into a well-stacked blonde coming in. He felt her shirt summed up SOHQ rather well. In livid purple on green, it proclaimed, 'If you can't take it, Buddy, I sure ain't gonna give!'